I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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