I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
