Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
