watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
