fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
