Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We need a shit load of segways right now
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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