I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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