dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
whose parrot is this?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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