I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
