He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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