I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
