Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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