Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
