dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
