I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
