forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
