life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What did we do last night that was yellow?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
