My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
