you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
