how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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