I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize