I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
