when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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