I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
