I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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