you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
he was CRYING into my vagina
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
