Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
