I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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