There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize