he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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