don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
