there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
