No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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