I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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