you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
