Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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