she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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