Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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