exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
