Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
jump out the window naked night went bad
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
