I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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