If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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