All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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