I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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