yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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