I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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