allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
