Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
