She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Mom said you looked used
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
