I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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