I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
