Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
