After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize