its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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