my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
